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I left my heart in Iowa, United States

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

In a Perfect World....by Jason Love

  • pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
  • boot would rhyme with foot.
  • we'd get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
  • radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.
  • all of a woman's issues could be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.
  • answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
  • breeding laws would limit couples to one chile per 75 IQ points.
  • atheletes would retire only once.
  • no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower.
  • traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
  • OJ Simpson would have married Lorena Bobbitt.
  • priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.
  • every driver would understand the Merge Concept.
  • out TV's brightness control would turn up the intelligence.
  • if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, the officer would be entitled to three free punches.
  • when people graduate high school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
  • the game of 'peekaboo' would have an official end.
  • decaf coffee would come in a different color.
  • political speech writers would deliver the speeches.
  • freeways would grow at the same rate as the population.
  • all movies would be formatted to fit your screen without apology or explanation.
  • when a woman gets a permanent, that's it--no changing.
  • lawyers would speak a language that humans understand.
  • walkie-talkie cell phones would exist only in hell, where they were invented.
  • sick days would include when you're sick of work.
  • when teams lose on Fan Appreciation Day, spectators would get their money back.
  • naming your son Sandy would qualify as child abuse.
  • weight gain would be caused not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
  • the Meyers would get together with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
  • a man and woman would never know which one will end up pregnant.
  • football games would never end on a field goal.
  • we could surgically remove that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over and over and over.
  • everyone would die on their one-hundredth birthday while having sex.

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