In a Perfect World....by Jason Love

• pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
• boot would rhyme with foot.
• we'd get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
• radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.
• all of a woman's issues could be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.
• answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
• breeding laws would limit couples to one chile per 75 IQ points.
• atheletes would retire only once.
• no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower.
• traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
• OJ Simpson would have married Lorena Bobbitt.
• priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.
• every driver would understand the Merge Concept.
• out TV's brightness control would turn up the intelligence.
• if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, the officer would be entitled to three free punches.
• when people graduate high school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
• the game of 'peekaboo' would have an official end.
• decaf coffee would come in a different color.
• political speech writers would deliver the speeches.
• freeways would grow at the same rate as the population.
• all movies would be formatted to fit your screen without apology or explanation.
• when a woman gets a permanent, that's it--no changing.
• lawyers would speak a language that humans understand.
• walkie-talkie cell phones would exist only in hell, where they were invented.
• sick days would include when you're sick of work.
• when teams lose on Fan Appreciation Day, spectators would get their money back.
• naming your son Sandy would qualify as child abuse.
• weight gain would be caused not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
• the Meyers would get together with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
• a man and woman would never know which one will end up pregnant.
• football games would never end on a field goal.
• we could surgically remove that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over and over and over.
• everyone would die on their one-hundredth birthday while having sex.